how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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