why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
