Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
