You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I look better un-naked...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
