you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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