ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Randomize
