Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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