When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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