I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
