i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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