For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
one might say we're banned from that church
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Randomize
