you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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