im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
