I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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