I faked an abortion last night.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
