She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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