how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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