He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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