The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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