She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
