I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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