I accidentally had phone sex last night
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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