Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
