Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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