I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
