a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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