There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
