I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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