i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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