One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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