it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
