I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize