What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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