your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
