So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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