I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It all started with a game of naked twister.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
