If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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