I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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