They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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