Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize