You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
