I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
