Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Please, let me fuck your mom
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
