are you still at the devil's house?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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