YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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