I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I just blew my weed a kiss
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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