I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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