Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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