you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I have fence marks all over my body
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
