I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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