just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
