my vag is so smooth its legendary
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
