So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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