I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
