Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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