I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
