oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
