WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
