i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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