If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
