my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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