Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
