dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
